Halloween

Halloween is a relatively uncelebrated holiday in Japan, though they still use it as a consumer selling point. No one really goes trick or treating, but we foreigners still do our best to put our scary feet forward and out the door to disturb the general population.

It really is a shame that Halloween isn't very big here though, especially because the Japanese love to dress up for fun. I mean, their every day clothes are pretty much costumes, so I can't even imagine what wonderful things they would come up with to dress up as if they were to try.

I, out of the kindness of my heart, felt it was absolutely necessary to bring Halloween to my children. I'm here to bring the culture of the outside world in, so why not freak them out a little right?

I only had one class the last school day before Halloween, so I gave my last class for the week and then disappeared into the teacher's dressing room. I reemerged fully dressed as a student. This may not seem like such a big deal to us Americans, but to dress like Japanese student means wearing something that makes you look like a sort of strange sailor jacked up on cute drugs.

I emerged pigtails and all, bouncing down the halls squealing "Happy Halloween". When I returned to the teacher's room I saw the looks of pure confusion cross all their faces. "What is a student doing in here? OMG! IS THAT JONES SENSEI?!" This was followed by raucous laughter. They told me that if they didn't know me they would believe I was a foreign student who's father was here on business. It really freaked them out, and continued to freak them out throughout the day as they passed me in the halls.

The students were even more confused, especially because up to this point I had kept it a secret that I can speak Japanese. Yet suddenly I appeared, fully dressed as a student, demanding that they say "trick or treat" in Japanese so I could give them a special Halloween sticker. Mostly they shrieked with laughter at the sight of me after they got over the shock, but I could tell some were genuinely irked. The sudden realization that I probably understood anything and everything they had said in front of me (or about me) for the last three months was probably not a pleasant realization.

When I made my way to the Gym teacher's (the one afraid of bug's) homeroom during lunch (he hadn't seen me dressed up yet) he looked up from what he was doing as I was handing out stickers. He looked right at me, and looked back at the work in front of him, there was a pause, and his head snapped back up with a look of utter shock. Then he broke into laughter so intense I thought I might be in danger of killing him.

All in all, it was a really great day. I felt like I had broken down the barrier between myself and my students because I had put myself on their level for a day. Furthermore, I was allowed to speak Japanese all day, so the language barrier was greatly weakened. We are all definitely on a friendlier basis now. The down side was....well let me put it this way. I am a size 8 in the US. That is the equivalent of a Japanese XL, so you can imagine how well a skirt made for a 100 lbs Japanese school girl fit. Needless to say, I was relieved to change back into my own clothes.

Ever since that day, my students have been trying to get me to speak Japanese again. However I just insist that the uniform was magic. Only when I'm in it, am I granted the powers of an average Japanese student.

Stage Two

When we arrived in Tokyo for orientation, every single presentation on cultural adjustment (of which there were way too many) warned us of the 4 steps of culture shock. 1. Euphoria and excitement. 2. Critical pessimistic rejection of the culture 3. acceptance and adjustment 4. (optional and rarely done) assimilation.

They warned us and warned us about stage two. I have found that some people hit stage two and never leave. However, I think for most people stage two is a series of days or moments, instead of a chunk of set time. Stage two crops up from time to time, but if you are a reasonable person, you can pretty much skip the whole "hating the culture you're living in because you do it better" phase. The following is a list of my stage two moments.

1. Why, why why can't Japanese women walk in high heels? And if they can't why do they ALL insist on wearing them? I'm not talking about the sort of clunking high heeled walk of the unskilled western women. I'm talking a pigeon toed, teetering, dangerous inability to walk in heels. It's just a friggin' safety hazard.

Don't believe me?

There is a 4 lane wide cross walk in the center of Kobe city that I walk frequently. It's always packed so it's pretty close quarters when you cross the street. I was making my way across one day, and I happened to be walking in a horizontal line with this girl in the middle and her boyfriend on the opposite end. She, of course, was wearing high heels and was teetering across the street like some sort of crazy circus balancing act when she fell.....into me. There wasn't even a pothole or a thing she tripped on. She just sucked so badly at walking in high heels her legs just gave up.

It's a good thing I was there because her boyfriend would not have been fast enough to save her from a tragic sideways crash in the middle of the street. Though he was fast enough to stop her from knocking me over. (I was not wearing heels, because I'm practical.)

2. There are these vans that project audio advertisements for anything from electronics stores to home services, political campaign announcements, and so on. They usually consist of a recording of someone yelling the message in shrill honorific Japanese, and a catchy song that later gets stuck in your head, even though you don't understand the lyrics.

They like to drive around, blasting their audio message to anyone within earshot. That doesn't bother me so much when I'm walking around the city in the middle of the day. The city is inherently obnoxious, what's one more thing? What bothers me (which is happening as I type this) is when these cars drive out to my apartment complex at 8 p.m. and stop outside each set of buildings over the course of 30 minutes or so blasting their recording.

WHY IS THAT NOT LEGAL?! ESPECIALLY because this is a country that doesn't believe in insulation and many of your walls are, quite literally, paper.

3. Which brings me to my next stage 2 moment. Why is there no insulation or heat in homes? My home has no heater. It also has no insulation. Why? I don't know. I thought Japan loved efficiency, but I got proven wrong. Bummer.

4. Walking in Japan in general makes me want to scream. If you get behind an elderly person, a girl in heels, a snuggley couple, or any sort of group of people you are doomed to be late. OH WAIT! That's like the whole country, because this is a group based, group minded society with the largest population of elderly to youth ratio in the first world. AGH!

I seriously wonder on a daily basis why NO ONE can walk here. It's shockingly incredible. Young, old, middle aged, sneakers or heels, no one seems capable of walking normally. They all walk at a snails pace, and considering this is the first world country with most underweight people, they sure know how to take up a whole lot of space while they do it. They have this special talent for weaving, so just as you think you can pass them, nope. They weaved the other way. (They also have no scruples about cutting you off either, or running into you while they do it.

The part that's most confusing is that everything runs painfully on time here, so shouldn't we all be rushing to get to our destinations on time?

5. Little old ladies from Osaka. They only come up to my bust so they are out of my range of vision. If you are on a packed train near one you best guard your sides and get out of the way. They are not afraid to elbow jab you in the side to get off the train 2 seconds before you, only to walk at a snails pace and wobble so you can't pass them. I'm not kidding. I've actually be jabbed in the side by one, on purpose so she could get by me. Oh, and if she's got purple hair, you better run for the hills. The purple haired ones are the most vicious of all.





6. People who stare at me who deserved to be stared at. I often get stared at on the train, especially if I am outside of Kobe city (where there are a lot of foreigners). Old business men are the biggest offenders. I generally lean forward and stare back. It takes them a minute to realize what is happening before they look surprised and quickly look away, only to wait ten seconds and try again. Don't worry I'm still staring back.

My favorite is when someone who really deserves to be stared at themselves stares at me shamelessly like I have two heads. The other day I got on the train and sat across from this modestly dressed housewife. She was dressed in old lady clothes typical of her age and status. She looked normal in every way, with the exception of the giant teal patch in the front of her hair near her brow. It literally looked like someone had poorly taken aim with a can of spray paint and just gave a squirt. Yet she was staring at me.

My absolute favorite is when someone is walking towards you and they realize you aren't Japanese. They are so shocked and busy with staring at you that they forget that matter can't pass through other matter and they run into you. This is despite the fact that you are trying to get out of the way, but they are weaving so badly that even from the front you can't pass them.

7. Almost all the men have gotten a sex change.



Enough said.








P.S. That announcing truck is still outside.